Being enough in a relationship can be confusing and leave us feeling misunderstood. But what really is enough in relationship? Who do you need to be enough for? Learn what being enough really means!
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Being a great sex partner requires that you understand the nuances of the different experiences you and your partner(s) are having. Differentiating between the sensual, sexual, and erotic experiences helps to bring greater meaning and connection to your play. Learn how describe the different sensations and meanings you are bringing to your relationship!
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Being in successful relationships means that we will be hurt along the way. How to manage those hurts and recover and bring the relationship forward requires new perspectives. Regardless of whether you are the injured party or the partner who caused discomfort, forgiveness, trust, and security are the cornerstones. Learn how to engage them successfully!
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We all have burdens… and sharing them helps to create better relationships! There is a difference between being a burden and having burdens. Understand why sharing burdens creates value and trust.
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You can’t be in a relationship without one good manipulation a day! Learn the healthy aspects of manipulation that result in better connection!
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Great relationships are based on an exchange of energy and investment. Learn how Social Exchange can help you grow into a relationship-centered life..
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Feeling overwhelmed in life? Is your relationship taking the hit? Sacred space may be the answer for you! Learn how to rebalance!
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“But” sex is the sex we miss out on because we always have a “but” on why we won’t move forward. Learn what to do in “but” sex!
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One of the more common experiences I have is watching someone struggle with the pressure to always have an answer or response in a high value discussion. It can be so disconcerting when someone is asking our opinion, looking for our agreement, or an explanation and we feel we cannot give it.
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So many people come to me overwhelmed with the stress of life, competing responsibilities, losing intimacy and erotic connection due to the complexity of life. Parenting children, work, managing finances, extended family, having a meaningful social life, getting to the gym, and so on and so on and… These are things that couples commonly credit with the death of connection…
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In this exciting age where families look different and are being built by all types of people, the ways to parenthood are many. For LGBTQ+ folx, there are options for fertility preservation, adoption, foster care, Big Brother/Big Sister, co-parenting, and more. The path to parenthood requires intentionality, support, and the need to involve others. These opportunities also bring challenges to the intended parent(s) as they navigate through the reality that parenthood does not “just happen” after a night of sex. Very often LGBTQ+ intended parents enter the process with the assumption that “we just need the right parts and plumbing”. Even if that is true, issues of medicalization take on a new meaning for bodies that are already socially scrutinized…
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Getting what we want, what we feel we deserve, and what we hope for often feels out of reach and inconceivable. This is can be particularly daunting when we consider intimate and loving relationships. In my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, people have shared with me how they struggle to find the right relationship, or if they are in a good relationship, how to dig deeper and get their needs met…
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What is yelling? When a partner denies that they yell, I wonder if they know what they sound like. I think there are two distinct types of yelling. The first, is the basic and popular raised voice yelling. It often starts at our toes and rolls up our core until it comes out of our mouths as a strong bellowing exhortation of increased volume, often accompanied by words that would offend us if they were spoken to us. The other type of yelling is more complex. It is tight and constricted. It starts in our throat. It is not loud and bellowing. The volume is not out of range. However, it is the tone – sharp, clipped, judgmental, and cuts like a knife. It feels like yelling to the recipient.
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I always say “Come to couples’ therapy when there is something to work on. It is an easier road than when you wait until you are injured and broken and looking for salvation and healing.” One of the gratifying aspects of being a couples and sex therapist is when a couple decides to come see me when they are building their future rather than when they come to me in distress. Premarital therapy is one of those opportunities where both partners are looking to learn more, grow together and find some open curiosity. However, this can also be a time of great stress and challenging relationships.
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There are so many times that I am sitting with a couple who are in distress, feeling unheard and struggling through difficult communication. They unintentionally are making the process so much harder for themselves. I can see them getting stuck in the who is right argument and discounting the reality that there can be more than one truth. This is where a small shift can make a big difference!
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To be an intentional couple, one of the core skills that must be mastered is the art of listening. We have been given gross information about what listening is and how we should do it. Some folks think that they should be making grand facial expressions while mutter “uh huh…”, nodding their head and wrinkling their brow to show that they are listening. But listening is something entirely different. Today we are going to talk about why we listen and how we alter our approaches to listening.
We listen for four key reasons: to allow someone to vent, to help them unpack something in their head, to seek understanding, and perhaps to resolve something. Let’s look at each of them independently.
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So often couples come to see me in great frustration because each partner thinks the other is trying to fix them or control them. This behavior comes out in a variety of ways… often intended to be helpful or focused on making the relationship better. However, it often results in anger and disconnect. Partners report feeling misunderstood and begin to feel justified when their helping ways are questioned. They say things like “If you would only listen to me…” and “I told you so...” and “Don’t feel that way baby….”
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One of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood. Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life. This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.
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Often, people in my office get confused about what they are feeling. When asked to name the feeling they are experiencing, they often name one of four buckets of feelings: Glad, Sad, Mad, and Anxious. Every feeling we have gets thrown into one of those four generalized buckets. Then, the same people start to get frustrated when their partners don’t understand the feeling or why they are experiencing it.
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There has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late. I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted. Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.
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