Hey Joe Cool… It ain’t about you!
One of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood. Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life. This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.
The conversation usually starts quite simply by my asking “Where did you develop your definition of manhood?” We talk about the lessons we get from our parents, role models, TV/movies, friends, social media, etc. What we often realize is that the messages are confusing, counterintuitive and often shaming and hard to live up to. It is no wonder so many men struggle with how to engage with their partners in an intimate way based in confidence.
A question that often gets the most diverse answers is when I ask men what they think swagger means. Most mean think swagger is being cool, confident, sexy, having the ability to approach a potential partner and get them to go home with you, to be an amazing sex partner, to capture and hold the attention of everyone around you. That isn’t actually swagger.
Swagger is something else entirely. Swagger isn’t about you. Swagger is about everyone else. When you are focused on what you do and what you bring, you are focused on ego. Getting game and showing you have swagger is about shifting your focus away from you. Swagger is when you make your partner feel like the most important person in the room. Making your partner feel seen and heard and desired is swagger. When you partner feels like the most beautiful person in the room because of how you react, that is swagger.