Getting what we want, what we feel we deserve, and what we hope for often feels out of reach and inconceivable. This is can be particularly daunting when we consider intimate and loving relationships. In my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, people have shared with me how they struggle to find the right relationship, or if they are in a good relationship, how to dig deeper and get their needs met…
Read MoreWe have all been given false narratives about how we are supposed to communicate in relationship. These false narratives are often seen as honorable or required, particularly when we are trying to heal a relationship. Countless couples come into my office and talk about the need for absolute transparency for trust and connection to be restored.
Read MoreWhat is yelling? When a partner denies that they yell, I wonder if they know what they sound like. I think there are two distinct types of yelling. The first, is the basic and popular raised voice yelling. It often starts at our toes and rolls up our core until it comes out of our mouths as a strong bellowing exhortation of increased volume, often accompanied by words that would offend us if they were spoken to us. The other type of yelling is more complex. It is tight and constricted. It starts in our throat. It is not loud and bellowing. The volume is not out of range. However, it is the tone – sharp, clipped, judgmental, and cuts like a knife. It feels like yelling to the recipient.
Read MoreThere are so many times that I am sitting with a couple who are in distress, feeling unheard and struggling through difficult communication. They unintentionally are making the process so much harder for themselves. I can see them getting stuck in the who is right argument and discounting the reality that there can be more than one truth. This is where a small shift can make a big difference!
Read MoreTo be an intentional couple, one of the core skills that must be mastered is the art of listening. We have been given gross information about what listening is and how we should do it. Some folks think that they should be making grand facial expressions while mutter “uh huh…”, nodding their head and wrinkling their brow to show that they are listening. But listening is something entirely different. Today we are going to talk about why we listen and how we alter our approaches to listening.
We listen for four key reasons: to allow someone to vent, to help them unpack something in their head, to seek understanding, and perhaps to resolve something. Let’s look at each of them independently.
Read MoreSo often couples come to see me in great frustration because each partner thinks the other is trying to fix them or control them. This behavior comes out in a variety of ways… often intended to be helpful or focused on making the relationship better. However, it often results in anger and disconnect. Partners report feeling misunderstood and begin to feel justified when their helping ways are questioned. They say things like “If you would only listen to me…” and “I told you so...” and “Don’t feel that way baby….”
Read MoreOne of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood. Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life. This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.
Read MoreOften, people in my office get confused about what they are feeling. When asked to name the feeling they are experiencing, they often name one of four buckets of feelings: Glad, Sad, Mad, and Anxious. Every feeling we have gets thrown into one of those four generalized buckets. Then, the same people start to get frustrated when their partners don’t understand the feeling or why they are experiencing it.
Read MoreThere has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late. I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted. Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.
Read MoreThe other day I was discussing the emotional toll of fighting and hurt in intimate relationships with some folks. We were talking about what happens after the fight. You know…when we have apologized, we know that it is time to move on and there is nothing more to process, but you still feel yucky inside.
Read MoreI often will ask people basic questions very early on in my work with them, “So, how did you learn about sex? Who taught you?” The answers I get back are usually akin to “My friends.” “Nobody taught me, I learned by myself.” “TV, the Internet, porn.” “Experimentation”. Then I ask, “What messages did you get about sex?” The answers to that question are more widespread and diverse. Some are positive. Some are negative. Some are accurate. Some are not!
Read MoreEvery relationship has a unique storyline. Like the greatest romances of our day, there is an arc from the first meeting to dramatic denouement. We grow thinking that adult relationships begin with an air of mystery and intrigue, survive through milestones and hardships before drifting into the happily ever after – until they don’t.
Read MoreWe work hard to get the job. We interview as best we can. We get the job. But, how often do we really get a good job description. I am talking about the job of partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, wife. More people sit in my office and say things like "S/he is just never happy...no matter what I do!" or "S/he keeps pushing me away and I don't know why!"
Read MoreWhen I work with couples, one of the earliest things we do is look at how we communicate. We begin with the basics of starting to look at our words and tone so that we can hear and understand each other. As we get deeper into our process we begin to look at something far more challenging, and potentially more destructive than our words. We begin to look at our assumptions.
Read MoreWhen I start working with a new couple or individual around relationship concerns I often begin by asking them what their relationship goals are. Most, but not all, will tell me that they are just looking for a nice, loving, monogamous relationship. They say that like I am supposed to know what that means -- and I don't. Not that I am clueless, but rather because I know that there is more than one meaning to the word monogamous.
Read MoreYou know those times when you are getting frustrated in your relationship because you just aren't getting your needs met? You keep telling your partner that you want things (sex, communication, warmth, etc.) and feel like your requests are falling on deaf ears? Frustration creeps in and you start losing stake in the relationship feeling that your connection is more distant and fractured.
Read MoreI have had patient after patient come into my office talking about what a harsh and relentless winter this has been. I can’t agree more! It is always interesting to see how people talk about the weather. There are two classic perspectives that get presented: How cold it is on the thermometer and how much energy is being used by the thermostat. What an interesting way to understand ourselves as well!
Read MoreYou can’t dig your way out of a hole. Think about it. You are in a hole and you keep digging. What happens? Eventually, the hole gets so deep that you can’t throw the dirt out of the hole anymore and it just keeps falling back down around you. If you start to dig sideways, the integrity of the walls weakens and risks falling in around you. What should you do?
Read More
