Posts tagged Intimacy
Why do we have to listen?

To be an intentional couple, one of the core skills that must be mastered is the art of listening. We have been given gross information about what listening is and how we should do it. Some folks think that they should be making grand facial expressions while mutter “uh huh…”, nodding their head and wrinkling their brow to show that they are listening. But listening is something entirely different. Today we are going to talk about why we listen and how we alter our approaches to listening.

We listen for four key reasons: to allow someone to vent, to help them unpack something in their head, to seek understanding, and perhaps to resolve something. Let’s look at each of them independently.

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Why We Yell

What is yelling?   When a partner denies that they yell, I wonder if they know what they sound like.   I think there are two distinct types of yelling.  The first, is the basic and popular raised voice yelling.  It often starts at our toes and rolls up our core until it comes out of our mouths as a strong bellowing exhortation of increased volume, often accompanied by words that would offend us if they were spoken to us.  The other type of yelling is more complex.  It is tight and constricted.   It starts in our throat.  It is not loud and bellowing.  The volume is not out of range.  However, it is the tone – sharp, clipped, judgmental, and cuts like a knife.  It feels like yelling to the recipient. 

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Wedding Bells and Tears

I always say “Come to couples’ therapy when there is something to work on. It is an easier road than when you wait until you are injured and broken and looking for salvation and healing.” One of the gratifying aspects of being a couples and sex therapist is when a couple decides to come see me when they are building their future rather than when they come to me in distress. Premarital therapy is one of those opportunities where both partners are looking to learn more, grow together and find some open curiosity. However, this can also be a time of great stress and challenging relationships.

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Scratch Your But!

There are so many times that I am sitting with a couple who are in distress, feeling unheard and struggling through difficult communication.  They unintentionally are making the process so much harder for themselves.  I can see them getting stuck in the who is right argument and discounting the reality that there can be more than one truth.  This is where a small shift can make a big difference!

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What needs to leave your marriage most

When I work with couples, one of the earliest things we do is look at how we communicate.  We begin with the basics of starting to look at our words and tone so that we can hear and understand each other. As we get deeper into our process we begin to look at something far more challenging, and potentially more destructive than our words. We begin to look at our assumptions.

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Digging deep?

You can’t dig your way out of a hole.  Think about it.  You are in a hole and you keep digging.  What happens? Eventually, the hole gets so deep that you can’t throw the dirt out of the hole anymore and it just keeps falling back down around you.  If you start to dig sideways, the integrity of the walls weakens and risks falling in around you. What should you do?

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