We have all been given false narratives about how we are supposed to communicate in relationship. These false narratives are often seen as honorable or required, particularly when we are trying to heal a relationship. Countless couples come into my office and talk about the need for absolute transparency for trust and connection to be restored.
Read MoreEvery year, I try to find my “word of the year”. It is a ritual that helps me to maintain focus, build resiliency, and find my path forward. In years past, my words have included: intention, curiosity, boundaries, and balance. Each of these words have become so incorporated into my being, my practice, and my perspective that every decision I make is rooted in these concepts.
Read MoreWhat is yelling? When a partner denies that they yell, I wonder if they know what they sound like. I think there are two distinct types of yelling. The first, is the basic and popular raised voice yelling. It often starts at our toes and rolls up our core until it comes out of our mouths as a strong bellowing exhortation of increased volume, often accompanied by words that would offend us if they were spoken to us. The other type of yelling is more complex. It is tight and constricted. It starts in our throat. It is not loud and bellowing. The volume is not out of range. However, it is the tone – sharp, clipped, judgmental, and cuts like a knife. It feels like yelling to the recipient.
Read MoreI always say “Come to couples’ therapy when there is something to work on. It is an easier road than when you wait until you are injured and broken and looking for salvation and healing.” One of the gratifying aspects of being a couples and sex therapist is when a couple decides to come see me when they are building their future rather than when they come to me in distress. Premarital therapy is one of those opportunities where both partners are looking to learn more, grow together and find some open curiosity. However, this can also be a time of great stress and challenging relationships.
Read MoreThere are so many times that I am sitting with a couple who are in distress, feeling unheard and struggling through difficult communication. They unintentionally are making the process so much harder for themselves. I can see them getting stuck in the who is right argument and discounting the reality that there can be more than one truth. This is where a small shift can make a big difference!
Read MoreTo be an intentional couple, one of the core skills that must be mastered is the art of listening. We have been given gross information about what listening is and how we should do it. Some folks think that they should be making grand facial expressions while mutter “uh huh…”, nodding their head and wrinkling their brow to show that they are listening. But listening is something entirely different. Today we are going to talk about why we listen and how we alter our approaches to listening.
We listen for four key reasons: to allow someone to vent, to help them unpack something in their head, to seek understanding, and perhaps to resolve something. Let’s look at each of them independently.
Read MoreSo often couples come to see me in great frustration because each partner thinks the other is trying to fix them or control them. This behavior comes out in a variety of ways… often intended to be helpful or focused on making the relationship better. However, it often results in anger and disconnect. Partners report feeling misunderstood and begin to feel justified when their helping ways are questioned. They say things like “If you would only listen to me…” and “I told you so...” and “Don’t feel that way baby….”
Read MoreOne of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood. Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life. This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.
Read MoreOften, people in my office get confused about what they are feeling. When asked to name the feeling they are experiencing, they often name one of four buckets of feelings: Glad, Sad, Mad, and Anxious. Every feeling we have gets thrown into one of those four generalized buckets. Then, the same people start to get frustrated when their partners don’t understand the feeling or why they are experiencing it.
Read MoreThere has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late. I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted. Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.
Read MoreI play many roles in my life. Partner, father, therapist, teacher, business owner to name a few. These roles keep me very busy and I often feel the crushing weight of responsibility on me. Normally I manage it well and focus on meaningful self-care and attachment to positive people (just as I tell my patients to do!). I am intentional and mindful of what I need to do to ensure that I am meeting the many requirements that are put on me.
Read MoreThe other day I was asked what would allow someone to achieve their goals when they seem to be so far away. My immediate gut-level reaction was “bravery”. It was not the answer the other person was expecting. I began exploring how others experienced bravery and their ability to recognize it in themselves.
Read MoreThe crush of September is upon us. Kids are going back to school. The perceived freedoms of summer are gone. We start to become more focused on work and responsibility. I hear about this every day. As I sit with people, I hear more stories of being overwhelmed and under rested.
Read MoreSo many people start a therapy process because they want real change. They want to change their relationship, their place in the world, their ability to cope with the things that stress them. People don’t want a band-aid, they want to experience a different way of being. When therapy is great, that is what people can experience.
Read MoreThere are times when I forget. I forget that I can do something. I forget that I have the power to influence and create change. I forget that I have coping skills. And, when I forget any of these things, I also forget how to find meaning and perspective. I lose myself in the chaos and noise and see my skills begin to erode away.
Read MoreThe other day I was discussing the emotional toll of fighting and hurt in intimate relationships with some folks. We were talking about what happens after the fight. You know…when we have apologized, we know that it is time to move on and there is nothing more to process, but you still feel yucky inside.
Read MoreI often will ask people basic questions very early on in my work with them, “So, how did you learn about sex? Who taught you?” The answers I get back are usually akin to “My friends.” “Nobody taught me, I learned by myself.” “TV, the Internet, porn.” “Experimentation”. Then I ask, “What messages did you get about sex?” The answers to that question are more widespread and diverse. Some are positive. Some are negative. Some are accurate. Some are not!
Read MoreEvery relationship has a unique storyline. Like the greatest romances of our day, there is an arc from the first meeting to dramatic denouement. We grow thinking that adult relationships begin with an air of mystery and intrigue, survive through milestones and hardships before drifting into the happily ever after – until they don’t.
Read MoreI lead a group for couples on how to bring intention into their relationship. This is a fascinating group and I learn so much from sitting with these couples as we tackle the many inputs into relationships that often trip us up. One recent topic was conflict. How do we have manage conflict in our relationship with intention?
Read MoreWe work hard to get the job. We interview as best we can. We get the job. But, how often do we really get a good job description. I am talking about the job of partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, wife. More people sit in my office and say things like "S/he is just never happy...no matter what I do!" or "S/he keeps pushing me away and I don't know why!"
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